August 2014

*takes 50 selfies*
*deletes 49*
*stares at that one selfie till it turns ugly*
*deletes that too*

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled.
I laughed at the irony.
Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

I texted my girlfriend Ruth last night to let her know she was dumped … I wanted to be ruthless

Nothing says, “I’m a fat ugly b*stard with no personality.” quite like having a Thai wife.

Nursing It

I gave my mate a Paracetamol. He said, “What the fcuk is that for?”

I said, “To put in your pint.”

“And why would I do that?” he replied.

I said, “Well, considering the fact you’ve been nursing it for over an hour, I just assumed it was ill.”

I went to a homeless themed fancy dress last night.It was shit.

Fuck all food or drink and we stood outside in the rain all night.

There’s a new magazine for gay military members.It’s mainly just photos of Privates.

The CIA have nominated ISIS, Al Queda and Boko Haram for the ASL Ice Bucket Challenge.

Or waterboarding as it was once known.

My local museum is trying to raise money by setting up a dinosaur fossil display. How will it work?

Remains to be seen