143

As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, “Fat fucking cows.”“What was that?” snapped my wife. “You herd.”

 

117

Daley Blind signs for Manchester United.When asked where he would play, Louis van Gaal replied, “At this rate, I’d say in the Championship.”

 

146

I met a girl in a nightclub and told her, “I’m going to fcuk you in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and my lounge when we get back to mine.”She replied, “Wow! Let’s go – it’s good to find a man with such stamina these days.”For some reason, she didn’t seem too impressed when […]

 

 

169

Doctor: I’m sorry, but you’re just too ugly for plastic surgery. I suggest wearing a plastic bag over your head.Patient: Um don’t you mean a paper bag…?Doctor: Maybe I didn’t emphasize how ugly you are…

 

 

161

My son was feeling down, after yet another failed job interview. “Look son, think of yourself as Van Gogh.” I comforted. “Everybody told him he could never be an artist because he only had one ear. But do you know what he said to that?”“What?”“That’s right.”

 

61

Why don't you have a boyfriend

I was talking to a girl I know. I said, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” “I fear rejection.” she bluntly responded. “Well,” I chuckled. “Would you like to come on a date with me?” “Yes!” she smiled. I said, “I bet you would. It’s unfortunate you’re not my type, though.”

 

179

The C Word

I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing. I said, “Apparently, he said the ‘c’ word.” She said, “Well that wasn’t clever was it?” I replied, “No… It was ‘c*nt’.”

 

136

Under Two

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. “Do you have any kids?” she asked. “Yes,” I replied. “I have one child that’s under two.” She said, “I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.”