September 2014

Taping It

I was at a once in a lifetime corporate hospitality at a premier football game and I got an urgent call from the wife saying her mum’s been hit by a bus and has only hours to live.

Fifteen minutes later, I’m at the hospital and the wife’s hugging me. “Thank-you darling, I’m so sorry you’ll miss your football.”
“Don’t worry, love, I wouldn’t miss this – I’m taping it and I’ll watch it later.”

God knows why she got so upset when I started setting up the camcorder.

I came home completely piss drunk and decided to surf some porn on my laptop.

It wasn’t till half an hour later I realised I’d been wanking into a pizza box.

As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper.

“What’s wrong with Toby daddy?” My daughter asked.

“It’s an animal sixth sense,” I explained. “They can detect the presence of evil.”

“Is the house haunted?” She shivered.

“No,” I replied, before turning to my wife. “Love! I think your mother’s here already.”

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

My next door neighbour came round to show me her new baby son.

“You’re not comfortable with babies, are you?” she said to me.

“What makes you say that?” I replied, after shaking his hand.

I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “why do you want to know son?” “Because a kid at school is selling his bike for £50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to £40 or just steal it….

A heavily muscled skinhead just saw me chatting up his girlfriend and has now told me to go outside so we can have words.

I can’t believe my luck- words definitely aren’t his strong point.

“I’ve been looking through the dictionary and I’ve found a word spelt incorrectly” said Little Johnny.

“Wow, that’s brilliant” his teacher replied, “how is the word spelt?”

“I-n-c-o-r-r-e-c-t-l-y.”