Hottest Jokes

9

Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times

8

I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised anal sex in return.

“This wasn’t quite what I had in mind,” I said, as she introduced me to Paul, her hairdresser.

6

A crippled man who was paralysed can walk again after cells were transplanted from his nose to his spinal column.

I’m pretty sure if they had waited till he had a cold they could have had him running.

6

Don’t ever mix Viagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.

5

After 1300 years of praying five times a day you would think that Muslims would have eventually realised that the carpets are not going to take off, and fly.

5

The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I’ll play mine.

5

What’s the main difference between intelligence and ignorance?

I don’t know and I don’t give a fcuk !

5

The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.

5

Women’s Logic: My girlfriend will give me a blow job and swallow because she thinks it’s “sexy and kinky,” but when I use her tooth brush or towel I’m a “disgusting, unhygienic bastard.”

5

What’s the difference between cocaine and ecstasy?

Fingering my anus doesn’t bring me cocaine.

5

I’ve just had a shit that was so big that it touched the water before breaking off.

That’s pretty impressive from the middle diving board.

5

Oscar Pistorious was asked what the most difficult time of his trial was..

He replied “Right at the start. when the judge said “all rise”.

4

My extremely gay friend had an 80’s themed costume party. I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.

4

Now I’m not one to blow my own trumpet……but that’ll change from next week when i finally get my bottom two ribs removed

4

A teacher asks the class to form a sentence with the word Celebrities,so little Timmy says,

“Celebrities get treated better.”

“That sentence is way too short,Timmy.” says the teacher.

“I know,” says Timmy, “Judge Masipa is useless.”

Latest Jokes

5

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

5

I’ll never forget the day I met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party. She was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate.

They’d gone together, dressed as the number ten.

I knew there and then, she was the one.

5

My wife says SHE is the main breadwinner and I need to treat her like SHE is the man of the house…

So I divorced her and took the house.

5

A man walks into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and says, “You’ve got one minute to get out of here before the place blows!”

A tortoise in the back shouts, “You bastard!”

5

When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.
By the time I was 16 I owned my own house.

5

What’s the difference between an invoice and an inner-voice?

One says “Pay this amount.”
The other says “I’m not fucking paying that.”

5

I’m making a horror film where a sadistic snowman sets death traps for other snowmen and they have to melt bits of themselves to escape.

It’s called Thaw.

5

I knew it was a waste of money buying a top of the range sex-doll for my twelve year old son, one with fully functioning anus and mouth.

He seemed more interested in playing with the box.

5

Luis Van Gaal was granted a wish from a genie,

“I wish Manchester United were a better team.” he asked.

And hey presto, David Moyes was back in charge.

5

Studies show 3 out of 4 women will experience some kind of sexual assault during their lifetime, so if you are not one of the 3 you obviously need to lose weight.

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