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I caught this c*nt in the pub looking right at my wife’s arse in a queue and invited him outside.

Well I haven’t been in a fight in years, but dad always told me to kick ‘em on their shins and I even took a run up to do it when he was taking off his coat.

Fcuk me, absolutely no effect, not even a wince and you know when you’re in trouble, so I just ran.

At first he chased, at one point gaining on me, but I said a little prayer and then thank fcuk, an act of God and he stopped dead in his tracks….

He’d got a puncture on his wheelchair.

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I rang my mate as I stood pissed outside to ask how to get into his club.

He said, “There should be a knob on the door.”

I said, “Yeah, he’s the one that won’t let me in.”

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Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, “Blowjob, $20?”

I said, “Yeah, alright,” and lead her into the alley.

I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two $10 bills and started pulling up her skirt.

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I was so confident that we’d win our next match, I decided we’d practice our goal celebrations.

“Right, just like the professionals, when you score you pull your shirt over your heads,” I said.

“But coach, we haven’t scored all season and we go through this routine every training session,” came a reply.

“Samantha,” I said, “That’s not the spirit I’m looking for in the Girls under 14’s.”

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I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, “You are an irresponsible father!”

I said, “Who the fcuk was that? Stop the car, son.”

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I saw a guy in the park the other day pinned under a tree.

“Get help!” he shouted.

“Fcuk you,” I replied, chugging my bottle of vodka. “I don’t need help, I can quit anytime.”

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An extremely ugly fat woman walks into a pub and shouts, “If anyone can guess my weight, they can fcuk me.”
A guy in the corner replies, “93 stone, you fat cow.”

“Close enough,” she replies, “you lucky bastard”.

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When my wife went to hospital to give birth, they laid her on the bed,took off her clothes, pumped her full of drugs and told her it wouldn’t hurt.

Which made me laugh, because that’s exactly how I got her pregnant in the first place.

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A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.

Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man’s lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: “I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it’s so cold?”

“Because you’re jerking off my popsicle!” the man replied.

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I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, “What’s going on?”

My wife said, “Erm… We’ve been playing on the Wii Fit.” She winked at my mate and said, “Dave did VERY well.”

As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a “dickhead”, but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!
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