Having a beard is a lot like having a penis.
If you have one, you’re definitely going to end up stroking it all the time.
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. “It opens at noon,” answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. “What time does the bar open?” he asks.
“Same time as before… Noon,” replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?”
The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”
“Nooo” he replies, “shhitt’s ok, i’m not waiting to come in, i’m waiting to get out”
A guy walks home after buying a cock-sucking frog. He walks into the kitchen, where his wife is doing the dishes, and plonks it on the table.
“What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?” she screams.
“Teach it to cook and fcuk off,” he replies