August 2014

Having a beard is a lot like having a penis.

If you have one, you’re definitely going to end up stroking it all the time.

Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.

If you love something let it go but make sure one of your close friends is still friends with it on Facebook so you can stalk it.

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don’t have to hear what she’s talking about.

1: Go to iTunes.
2: Check top albums & top singles.
3: Understand why the world is going to shit.

What Time does the Bar Open

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. “It opens at noon,” answers the clerk. 

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. “What time does the bar open?” he asks. 

“Same time as before… Noon,” replies the clerk. 

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, “Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?” 

The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon, but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.”

“Nooo” he replies, “shhitt’s ok, i’m not waiting to come in, i’m waiting to get out”

Teach the Frog to cook

A guy walks home after buying a cock-sucking frog. He walks into the kitchen, where his wife is doing the dishes, and plonks it on the table.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?” she screams.

“Teach it to cook and fcuk off,” he replies
.

 

What’s better than seeing the look of disappointment on the faces of Celtic supporters, after crashing out of the Champions League?

Seeing it twice.

 

If the ice bucket challenge videos have raised my awareness of anything it’s that lots of people’s mums don’t know which button to press to stop filming.

The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.

“That was awesome,” I laughed. “But you didn’t nominate anyone.”

“Because I was fucking sleeping, you c*nt!” she yelled.